Forgetful Witch's Musings

Not sure what to do with myself.

The more and more I live my life I realize that I'm more neurodivergent than I thought. I've had quite a few friends, and even family members indicate that I might be on the spectrum,and honestly...they're probably right. I don't know how to feel. I feel like if I actually identify that way, I'll be faking something or being disingenuous. But as of late, I have found that things have been getting harder for me. Not sure if it's my ADHD, depression, anxiety, or something else entirely, but I'm feeling some type of way.

I feel so incredibly lonely, and part of the isolation is self-imposed. It's hard for me to want to go out and do things when I'm experiencing this amount of burnout, and when I keep on fumbling interactions over and over again, sometimes just being by myself makes me feel safer. I don't feel rejected. I can't offend or upset anyone if I'm never there to say anything.

Recently I got in trouble at my job because of my attitude. I can admit when I'm at fault. It's difficult when you are faced with a part of yourself that you don't like looking at, though. I just....kind of wished it was brought up sooner, so I could have fixed it sooner. Sometimes, admitedly, I CAN be a bitch. On purpose. I'm sarcastic sometimes and can be super defensive. But other times, my tone and my volume are just....me. I can have a dry sense of humor. I try to be funny to lighten things up, but it ends up coming across as disrespect. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between the two. I know this is nobody's problem except my own, but....yeah. Being confronted with you own shortfalls can be devastating. Especially for me. Because for me, it's not simply just shrugging it off, resolving to do better, and moving on. My brain doesn't work like that. Instead, I start replaying all the moments I can remember and then anything after, and my body already starts tensing up for the worst possible outcome. I start beating myself up and my self esteem becomes so low, I can hardly bring myself to get up out of bed. I wish I could just take criticism normally. I just don't get how easy it is for some people. For me, it just feels like every every little bad trait, every single quirk that I've ever accumulated is being weighed against me until it is equal to the sum of my parts. And as much as I know internally that all of that is NOT me, reason and emotion never coincide inside me, like, almost ever. And the one that is telling me that I am useless and a failure and unpleasant is usually the loudest.

This far extends getting reprimanded at work. I've been feeling this way for a while. It just happened to be a microcosm of everything I've been feeling about myself. 28, back with my parents, single, no career, living paycheck to paycheck, feeling like I'm regressing every day. I still have my friends, but very few of them truly understand the neurodivergent experience. And the ones that do, well, they live far away. I love my neurotypical friends, but sometimes I feel like even though they very much care, they just don't...get it. The obsessive thoughts, the shame spiralling, the repetition. I don't know what to say sometimes.

Sometimes I just wish a fairy prince would take me away from here. Someone kind and gentle and understanding, that wouldn't mind taking care of me when the world is just too big and scary. Someone who could be the strength for my weak spots and just say, "Don't worry, I've got you. Let me handle this for a while." Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm just so tired of carrying everything and I want so desperately to put it down.

So fucking upset :(((

I was driving on my way back from doing some shopping and I saw a box turtle scooting its way across the road, and some car came from the opposite direction and just crushed it. :( I am so sad. I don't even think I have an emoji I can use that appropriately expresses how upset and sad I am. One minute the little creature was alive, and the next, it wasn't. It didn't even have a chance. It was just trying to get home!! It's such a little thing and it's such a big world!! Fuck!! I am crying. :(((((((((((

Here's a REAL recipe for a hamburger skillet because FUCK AI recipes.

So, more than half of my life is figuring out how to not make the same 4 chicken or ground beef meals all the time. Pinterest is a fucking HELLSCAPE right now due to all the fake-ass AI recipes, and one NEARLY got me. It was some ground beef skillet recipe (which I will not show because I do not want to give this bot any credit for something fake), so....I just made up my own. This is not really a health-forward recipe, but you can always adjust the ingredients to suit your needs. I don't really measure much when I'm making something up, but if you are really precise, I'll try to be as best as I can with estimating. I just ate this not even an hour ago and it is SO yummy and comforting, it's like a hug in a bowl. So anyway, here's my AI-free hamburger skillet.

Ingredients:

~1 lb hamburger meat (we had patties so I just crumbled up 2)

1 large potato, diced (I used yellow, but use whatever you have on hand, I'm not the boss of you)

1/4 of a yellow onion, diced (or more if you're Shrek)

~1 tsp garlic powder

~1 tsp onion powder

~1/2 tsp paprika

chili flakes, to taste

1/2 tsp parsley

salt & pepper, to taste

~1/4 cup beef broth (or water if you don't have it)

~2 tbsp flour (or cornstarch, for thickening)

shredded cheese, to taste

Directions:

First, heat a medium-sized skillet (or pan) over medium heat. Then, crumble your meat into the pan and let it cook until it is brown and there is no pink left. Do not drain the grease, this is FLAVORTOWN (or heart disease town. If so for you, then drain it. I like to live dangerously.)

Next, take your diced potato and add in with the meat, stirring it around so that most of the potato pieces are evenly spread out. Let them cook without disturbing for ~3-4 minutes, or until a bit soft and browned.

Add in your chopped onion, and stir it in. Let everything cook for a few minutes more, or until the onions become soft.

Now is the time to start seasoning. So, season generously with salt and pepper (unless you have hypertension, then please don't), and then add all the seasonings and give everything a good stirring.

Add in the beef broth and stir, then let simmer for a minute. Then, add in the 2 tbsp flour and stir again. It should start to thicken up quite quickly.

Now it's time to get cheesy with it. Sprinkle a handful (or two) of a shredded cheese of your choice (I prefer cheddar) into the mixture, then give it another good stir. And finally, sprinkle some more cheese generously on top and let it melt. Sprinkle with parsley for garnish, and enjoy.

I'm so tired y'all....

I am so sick and fucking tired of this goddamn administration. Students are now being held financially hostage for loans for school that everyone SAID they'd need and then promptly turn around and mock them for being educated, immigrants and native citizens alike being arrested, harassed, and even gunned down in the middle of broad ass-fucking daylight just for the crime of "looking" like and "illegal", people being OPENLY racist, bigoted, and ignorant and PROUD of it. I love my country, but it is increasingly more difficult for me to be proud of it. Ever since he got elected, he has given people free reign to say whatever vile, racist, disgusting shit is inside their heads that previously they wouldn't have said for being afraid of being shunned for being a right proper asshole. But now? It's totally acceptable.

I live in the southeast, in probably one of the most racist, backwards, regressive-thinking states. Probably one of the ones you'd instantly think of when the Civil Rights Movement is mentioned. It's a huge ultra-conservative circle jerk, and it gets more depressing every day. I think my state also has some of the most beautiful natural life and some of the kindest, most caring people, too. All those things can be true at once. And yet, even when I try to look up, all I seem to see are data centers, big-ass christian billboards threatening you with eternal damnation or enticing you with belonging and friendship like a creep in a white van tempting kids with candy, and fake pregnancy crisis centers. I fucking hate this reality.

Sometimes I wish I could move, go to some safer state with better healthcare and more morally upstanding people whose brains aren't rotted by religion, greed, and prejudice. But sadly, I can't. Last year's breakup practically ruined me financially, and it's all I can do to just sit down and shut up and stay put with my family until I can scrape up enough to live on my own. I wish I wasn't scared to date again, but I am. The men in this state terrify me. If they're not openly bigoted, they hide it until it's too late. Sometimes I don't know what to do from here.

Duffies

Thrifting is so fun. Yesterday I went with a friend to go to different thrift stores and flea markets to search for furniture because she's moving into her first house soon. And while we were doing that, I found these:

Shut up. Are you KIDDING? DUFFIES??? In MY thrift store?? I snatched them both up for like, $7 total. They're in SUCH good shape. I love them so much. I can't wait to crochet little clothes for them.

Pleasant things from today

Today I went out on a walk because I REALLY needed to. I was feeling super restless from being cooped up in the house while my car was being fixed, so it was nice to be out, even in spite of the sweltering southeastern heat. There is this lovely greenway area in the park, where the trees bow and create this sort of natural tunnel that shades you from the sun and makes one's walk a great deal more pleasant. As I have noted before, I've been keeping a grimoire, which I have been including all the local flowers I've seen (and I think I might start adding animals, too). I think that getting to know the land around you is extremely important for my growth as a witch, so I can be closer to the very things that sustain us all in this region. This first thing I found was a spurred butterfly pea, or, Centrosema virginianum. It is a legume, and nourishes many insects and animals, though it is not to be confused with the other butterfly pea, Clitoria ternatea, which is what the pretty blue tea is made from. Here is a photo I took of the spurred butterfly pea:

The next plant I saw was Rudbeckia triloba, or brown-eyed Susans. They're part of the Asteraceae family, and are native to where I live. These pretty little guys are found pretty much everywhere, especially on roadsides, and make my walks and drives all the more pleasant.

I think the most exciting thing I saw today was a pipevine swallowtail (Battus philenor). It was so lovely, I felt so lucky to have seen it! I love moths and butterflies in general. Their beauty is so fleeting, but they bless everyone around them by it, just by being part of the world. I also saw some sort of tiger swallowtail, but was unable to get a picture of it. I just remember it was HUGE and was predominantly yellow with black markings.

Last but not least, totally aside from all the lovely things I found today on my walk, I wanted to share some crochet work that I started and completed last night, which was this bandana. I love to wear bandanas, 1) because they are a practical way to keep my hair out of my face, 2) because they are cute, and 3) because they bring me closer to my practice by being a form of spiritual veiling. As a Hellenic pagan, veiling helps me draw closer to the gods and express my devotion to them, and as a witch, helps protect me from unwanted energy. I almost always veil before doing a spell or a ritual, and I think this bandana was a success! It's bright and fun, and as someone who balances the line between ritual and not taking oneself too seriously, I think it's a good match. Did you know that crochet itself can be a form of witchcraft? At least, in my own way, I believe it can be. Choosing color and stitches based on intention, and focusing your intention as you work, I think that's one of the most powerful spells a witch can do! Wearable magic! How cool is that?! I hope you like this piece as much as I do.

Anyway, I hope everyone's Friday is wonderful! I know I've had some rough days lately, but days like these truly do help me remember that there is good and there is magic in the world.

Back Hurty

I think I pulled something in my back today while doing inventory. Now whenever I move it pinches and hurts pretttty badly. On top of that, my tummy is recovering from whatever dumbass shit fucking virus I likely caught from a coworker. Basically stomach cramping and diarrhea (ew, I know). Or worse still, I hope it's not that cyclospora shit. If there hadn't been so much FDA cutbacks we probably wouldn't be in this mess. Fuck. I hate this reality. Everyone in charge is fucking stupid as hell and I hate it here.

.....On a positive note, I've been obsessed with making super specific playlists. I finally got my Innioasis Y1 up and running, hopefully (knock on wood) it will stay working because it was janky right out of the box. I'm not gonna type it too loudly, though, because it might hear me.

Stupid-ass Tuesdays

My idiot ass struggled for, like, an HOUR trying to figure out how to add a theme onto my new Innioasis with Rockbox installed. Turns out the theme I wanted was for Innioasis itself, not Rockbox. 🤦 But now, my theme is super cute, at least. I deserve it after having a sucky day like today. In other words, trying to move money over from one account to the other, only to find that my bank's systems are down so I CAN'T move money, and it was kind of super important because I was trying to get my car looked at and turns out I need a new CV axle. Why always these cursed fucking Tuesdays???

Results

The brew worked beautifully! I went to the thrift store and I lucked out! I found 4 shirts (2 being vintage!), 3 skirts, and a pair of Baretrap shoes! I also saw and reconnected with an old friend, which was really nice. Overall, I had a pretty great, positive day.

Today's gonna be a productive day, I just know it...

For the past few weeks it seems like I've been having bad days on Tuesdays, so today I'm going to combat that with a little brew I made myself to draw in productivity, success, and happiness. I pretty much just made a loose leaf tea with catnip (to attract what I want), Hibiscus (sweetness), peppermint (success, also added tummy benefits), and a little bit of rosemary (also success). Of course, also some honey for added sweetness. I'd drinking it right now, and it's honestly pretty tasty! I'll come back with the results later.

Does anybody else feel like this??

I have been beginning to notice more and more that almost everything I say or do is misinterpreted or misunderstood. As someone with ADHD and very likely (but undiagnosed) autism, I feel like I have spent a good majority of my time over-explaining my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and yet still be willfully misinterpreted. I have been told I have a "strong personality", and I have also been told that I can be quiet and standoffish. Either way, someone gets offended. Sometimes, I feel like I have spent so much time trying to perform for others that I don't know which parts of me are real and which ones are made-up. Whatever I do, I can never seem to make anyone happy. There's danger in being too bubbly and fun, I might say something stupid by accident by being too loose-lipped and uninhibited. There's danger in silence, because people will interpret me as being cold or uncaring, even if I'm just being thoughtful and contemplative, or even just plain listening. How then, shall I live? Perhaps an inanimate stasis, encased in some sort of jell-o or cryogenic chamber, unmoving, unthinking, inoffensive to all? Fucked if I do, fucked if I don't, as far as I'm concerned.

Even if I DO explain myself, what's the point? Oftentimes it feels like my words don't mean anything. I can over-explain, be as illustrative and eloquent as the day is long, but at the end of the day, none of it matters if I'm already pre-assigned a motive that I never had in the first place. I'm not a person, I'm just a doll that plays whatever part someone already has in their head of how I'm supposed to be, or how they imagine me to be.

It's no wonder why I end up isolating. It is exhausting, and borderline traumatic, that I feel like I am constantly in survival mode, trying to be heard and understood. Sometimes it is easier to just stay to myself and do my own thing than have to constantly be on alert 24/7. I won't do it. It's not fair. This is not to say that I don't have friends AT ALL that don't get me, but my circle is not that large. Sometimes being alone just feels....safer. I don't have to explain myself to...myself. That, and I don't have to face difficult social situations where I very much could be blamed for my own misinterpretation of interactions or situations. It's such a pathetic way to live.

But see, that's where the yearning comes in. I earnestly wish I had a refuge, someone that knows me and accepts me fully for all my quirks and weirdness. I miss the feeling of the time I used to wake up to that (at least, in the moments I did feel that way). Yesterday, when my mom and I went to a festival, I found an extraordinary thing growing at the edge of a gravel parking lot: a passion flower. Now, these are inherent to where I live, but I had never seen one in person before. But all the same, I knew immediately what it was. It was unmistakable in its alien beauty. I felt like I had been given a gift, just to be able to look at it, because I knew what it was. In that same way, I sincerely wish that one day I could be a passion flower to someone who looks. Not just part of the landscape or something strictly ornamental for a gardener to look at, but a fine and unexpected discovery to someone that knows and appreciates my innate qualities. The same strange and out-of-place flower also bears the maypop fruit, but of course, one only knows if they're familiar.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons I'm so fond of wildflowers. Recently, I've been keeping sketches and descriptions of local flowers in my grimoire, and it' brought me great joy. Wildflowers are often ignored or seen as weeds, but despite their reputation, they keep growing anyway. Their beauty is untameable, unrestrained, wild. They are like friends to me, in a way. Kindred souls. My only hope is that maybe one day, someone might extend the same sort of grace, the same kind of unprejudiced interest to me. Either way, maybe there will be a time when I can finally bloom regardless. I hope that day comes soon.

Playing a new game today

One of my friends told me about this rare PS2 game called "Rule of Rose", and I decided to boot it up on the old emulator (I tried to use my Retroarch PS2 core but it wasn't cooperating, so I had to try another seperate one). I love it so far! It's so creepy and disturbing! And one thing about me, I love female-centered psychological horror. Anything like Alice Madness Returns, Fran Bow, What Remains of Edith Finch, I'll eat it up. I'm so curious to find out what this little girls' cult is about.

Ramblings From Today

Dreams can be really weird sometimes. Yeah, I know, such a novel statement. But sometimes I really hate the recurring dreams I have. This one dream I keep having is that for some reason, I'll find out that I accidentally missed a credit in school somewhere, so my degree and diploma are taken from me and I'm not only forced to repeat an entire grade level, but sometimes MULTIPLE GRADES. So far this has happened in my dreams once or twice for high school (somehow always late, forgetting my agenda, and where my locker is), and once for elementary school, where I had to sit in these tiny little chairs, a la Buddy the Elf style (even more embarassing). But this dream from last night? Middle school. I could have cried. Anything, ANYTHING but that. Sometimes I wonder why I have these dreams. I'm not stressed out, really. In fact, I'm the most content I've been in a while. At least, on the whole.

See, last year I went through a really bad breakup. Not necessarily because my ex and I have horrible animosity towards each other, but because the fallout from his actions was so enormous. Long story short, I was stalked and harassed by his then-new girlfriend. I could not drive home without thinking about changing my route. I had to keep my head on a swivel outside the parking lot of my workplace because she knew where I worked. I felt sick every time I got a text or call notification. She even harassed my family and friends. It took me months to move my things out of the house, and she made everything as difficult as she could, even so far as to do damage to the house my ex and I once lived in. After that, I had to move back with family. Since then, I've acclimated to life back in my hometown, but I do feel....different. I'm not as anxious anymore (well, not about her, but that's another story for later), but I lost a great deal of my savings during that awful time, and my body has reacted to that situation in such a way that I've started to have chronic pain. But stressed? I don't know if that's the word. I think I'm....mourning. I had to start all over again, and sometimes I feel that I am way behind everyone else in my life, and it hurts. Badly. I'm comfortable where I am, though. I have family that loves me and welcomes me in and gives me a place to stay, and I'm so thankful I have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head, when so many others in my situation might have ended up homeless. But still...I mourn.

I wonder if these dreams have to do with this feeling of being behind. It makes complete sense. I was up and dragged from a position in my life where I was independent and chucked backwards. I quit a career that I knew was going to burn me out and kill my spirit in favor of a job that was lower-paying, but more rewarding and way less demanding. I know what I want to do from here, but sometimes it seems like that future is so far away. I see friend after friend getting engaged, and I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn to find my person. I'm so happy for each and every one of them, but it still aches every time. It's so hard for me to trust, to even attempt to put myself out there again. In essence, I'm wondering...when will it be my time? By day I'm happy. I keep myself busy with going on walks, cooking at home, painting, reading books, but at night, that's when it all comes back. I've cried over it more times than I care to admit. I'll just have to believe something better is coming. I've survived all my worst days so far.

Blueberry Muffins

So I decided this morning I was going to make some muffins with the blueberries I picked yesterday. Since blueberries correspond with peace, I thought it would be nice to put some tranquil and happy intentions into the muffins. Here is the recipe

I added some minor adjustments just to my taste, so I'll also go ahead and tell you all what I did personally, right here. For the ingredients you will need:

• 1 1/2 Cups flour
• 3/4 cups white sugar
• 2 tsps baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1 large egg
• 1/3 cup of milk (or more as needed)
• 1 cup fresh blueberries (You will want to rinse them in a collander and pick off those little twiggy things)
• ~1/2 tsp cinnamon (this is the adjustment I made that deviated from the recipe. Cinnamon brings happiness, as well as a warmer flavor!)

I also coated the blueberries in ~1 tbsp of flour to ensure they did not sink to the bottom of the muffins.

For the crumb topping:

• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/3 cup flour
• 1/4 cup butter (I made sure it was cold) cubed up into small pieces
• 1 1/2 tsps cinnamon
The 1/4 cups white and brown sugar were my tweaks as well, because I personally like brown sugar.
Directions:
• Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F (or 200 degrees C), then line a muffin tin with 8 paper liners.
• Now, whisk your dry ingredients (flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, and salt) in a large bowl. I personally just used a wooden spoon, but a whisk is perfectly fine. These are your muffins.
• Next, pour the oil into a liquid measuring cup, then add the egg and milk until it reaches the 1-cup mark, then stir until combined.
• Pour the liquid mixture into the dry mixture and stir until just combined.
• Now, fold in the blueberries and set the batter aside.
• For the crumbly topping, mix the sugars, flour, butter, and cinnamon in a small bowl until crumbly.
• Next, spoon the batter into the muffin cups, all the way to the top. Then, sprinkle generously with the crumbly topping.
• Finally, bake for 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Mine only took 20 minutes, so I would start at the lowest time.

I hope you try this recipe out! They are absolutely divine! I texted my dad pictures of them, and he told me he wanted me to make him a batch! So....back to the oven I go, I guess!

Very tired...

I went out with some of my friends today to go blueberry picking, which was pretty fun, albeit quite hot. Now I have to figure out all that I can make with these blueberrries! Then, we went to go see a local production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, which was really entertaining! They did a little spin on it, making the setting very disco and 70's, which was cool. However, I am now very sweaty and exhausted.

First post EVER!

So I guess this is my first blog post, huh? I'm not really sure what to write, so I guess I'll just talk about my day. I kind of did some running around today. Went to a staff barbecue, but I was told the time everyone else would be there, and I came RIGHT ON TIME but was late ANYWAY and there was only ONE hotdog left....which I took. Almost all the food was gone, and I should have gotten there earlier.

I'm also having issues with the stupid seals on my car windows. They keep on getting nasty and melty and streak my windows. I need to have them replaced. Thankfully, they are replaceable and not very expensive. However, I have not been through a drive-through in three years due to this and because of my ignorance on the whole ordeal, but I will soon be vindicated. Sonic awaits, and the milkshake reckoning will be upon them.