Forgetful Witch's Musings

Sunday thoughts

I've been trying to get back into walking semi-regularly, and so far I've been on two 30-minute walks this weekend. While walking, I like to look around me and see what I can see with the local wildlife. Yesterday, I found this....thing.

I looked it up and found out it was a winged elm, and I have....feelings about it. I have always been one to pick. My cuticles, the scabs on my scalp, etc...and this branch just makes me want to snap the ridges off to make it smooth. Or bite off the sides like the edges of a chocolate bar. It just doesn't look right. It looks like it has a growth or something on it...but it doesn't! That's just how it is. From a scientific and natural perspective, it is quite cool. But unfortunately because of how my brain is wired, I just feel compelled to pick at it. It unsettles me. I think I really need to invest in a good fidget.

I also started playing that new Dressmaker game on Steam, and it's so much fun! It really scratches that Style Savvy itch that is constantly at the back of my mind.

AHS Thoughts

I've been re-watching American Horror Story lately, as is my custom every spooky season, and right now I'm watching Freak Show. I always get emotional during Pepper's episode. Like seriously, I SOB. That poor woman, having to deal with so much injustice, and no way to fight back, as well as losing everyone she's ever loved. I really wish she had gotten a happy ending.

WTF is going on with Instagram???

This is exactly why I never get on social media anymore. Why does it seem like my feed has just been bombarded with cheap, boomerish reaction-bait content? Stupid stuff, like unfunny comics, AI slop, reactionary news stories...all that stuff. I never interact with that stuff! I even make sure to get rid of it and tap "don't show me content from this creator" and I still end up getting it. I can't even see the stuff my friends post because my feed is pumped with this shit. I really do wish that there were more sites like Neocities, but more accessible so people can socialize and have fun without all the fucking ads and inflammatory garbage, unlike traditional social media.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

So recently, a really life-changing opportunity has popped up for me, a chance to apply for a different job. A full-time one at that. It's been over a week, but I'm still holding out hope I will hear something back. I have all the credentials for it and then some, and it's an amazing fit for me and my personality. It's just the WAITING! Oh my GOD I hate waiting to hear something back!

Facebook can kick rocks.

I can't believe it. 15 years of photos and memories gone down the fucking drain because Facebook decided randomly last night to disable my account for something I didn't do. I have not been active on my account for over a year save for joining a group to get my family reunion pictures. I am so livid. Basically, I tried to appeal their claim (because they said that my accound was disabled due CSE activity. Like.....what the fuck???) but they wouldn't even show me what supposed content/activities led to this decision! How can I defend myself if they won't even give me a text box to talk to them? All they gave me was a button to appeal the decision, which they denied by this morning. No customer service number or email, no chat box, nothing. Just....gone. Now my account is disabled permanantly. Which is weird, because I also had an email saying someone was trying to get into my Instagram account too, but I changed the password. My insta is (for now) not affected, but I definitely took precautions to back up my pics because I will not lose any more precious memories.

I just don't get what on my account could be misconstrued for something so heinous!? Like....I don't even post about kinky stuff on facebook, which is obviously the first thing I thought of, but even then, is obviously adults only, as it should be! Someone also pointed out to me that it could have been when I was involved with the lolita fashion community, which is just J-fashion! But of course, it has been said that most everything is scanned by AI bots now, and they false-flag things all the damn time. Or, it could also just be the fact that I was likely just hacked point blank. At this point, I don't give a fuck if I don't use Facebook anymore. It's just ai slop and ragebait, and I have been pretty happy not using it, it's just all my contacts from there and memories. And of course, just the whole principle of not being able to speak to a real person about something they attributed to YOU, with no way to argue your case. Screw you, Meta, go kick rocks forever. You are what's ruining the internet.

Friday Things

Today was a pretty good day. Got home from work and wanted to watch some episodes on my Jellyfin account, but my PS5 won't let me use Jellyfin :(((( Playstation fucking sucks. They won't let you do anything. I mean...I can watch on my tv in my bedroom, but I really just wanted to sit on our new couch. HOWever, I did order pizza so that was good.

Tell me, have you ever been watching a horror movie and just kinda lost your appetite? I though I was going to eat way more, but I didn't because I was watching American Horror Story: Asylum, and the opening credits kind of grossed me out a little. (jk kinda, I ate some more garlic bread bites later though).

I have to work tomorrowwwwwww....UGGGHHHHHHHH.

Reading and stuff

I'm having trouble getting into stuff lately. I have been jumping from book to book so much it's insane. But...recently I checked out a copy of Shadow Over the Pumpkin Queen, and I've gotten almost halfway through it, so I think my slump may be coming to an end. Do you ever just have such a long tbr and are excited to try out so many new books that you just freeze because you have so many choices? I just want to fill up my website bookshelf so baaaaadddd....every time I get home I feel my creative juices flowing and I just want to add more onto my site, but then I get abosrbed and forget to actually read. Smh at myself.

Bachelorette Trip

This weekend I went on a bachelorette trip I had planned for my friend that's getting married. We went to Six Flags and Jesus H. Christ!! We were nickled and dimed for almost everything! Like...what kind of hotel makes you pay $10 a night just to park there?? The room is already paid for! Where else are we supposed to park?? Plus, when we were at the park, it was completely cashless and everything had to be purchased on a card. There was no notice beforehand, or any big sign that was supposed to tell you that. You're just supposed to...know? That, and parking was like, $35. For general admission. Absolute bullshit. And less than mid chicken fingers and fries was $20. Fuck that shit straight to hell. I used to love theme parks, but it's just not worth it anymore unless you're rich and can get the full experience.

Also, I had the most humiliating experience on the Goliath. Well, on is a strong word because I didn't get to ride it because my stupid fucking goddamn thighs were to big for the restraint to lock. I was SO humiliated that I cried and cried. Sometimes I hate my stupid fucking body so much. It's not so bad when it's every day doing normal stuff, but when it prevents me from doing things I love and PAID to do??? Fuck. I try as hard as my body will allow, some days more than others, but I do try. To be healthy. To lose weight. But at every turn, something gets in my way. I don't want to relapse into an eating disorder. It's such a delicate balance for me because of constant all-or-nothing thinking. It's difficult to count calories/ingredients without being a perfectionist. Yet...food is so freaking good and not being able to eat tasty food will make me fucking depressed. Right now it's as hot as Satan's taint outside, so exercise outside (where I prefer) is miserable and borderline dangerous due to my medication. I currently don't have the money to renew my gym membership, so I can't go to the gym. My joints often hurt, so high-impact exercise is painful. I'm adding more fiber, fruits/veggies, and protein into my diet, reducing saturated fats....and when I can, my exercise is walking. I'll try to park further away when I have the energy to. But it's not enough. Fuck, I wish I wasn't fat and could do whatever I wanted like my skinny friends. I hate being the odd one out constantly. I know this all sounds incredibly disordered, but these are just my thoughts and feelings. I want to do the same things as my friends and wear the clothes that they wear, eat how they eat, and be pretty like them. I get told all the time that I have a doll-like face, but what does it matter if that's the only thing people see in me, and my body is just an eyesore? My breasts, especially. I wish I could just chop the fucking things off because all they ever do is cause me issues, make people stare, and make my body more sexualized and disgusting.

I am lucky to have the friends I do though, because the bride who is one of my best friends, saw how bad I felt after I got kicked off the ride and gave me a hug (and a tissue because while I was crying my nose started bleeding). Apparently she was furious for how the ride operators kicked me off. I know it's not their fault...but it was humiliating all the same. My other friends were supportive, too. Sometimes I guess my self esteem can get so low that I forget I'm surrounded by love, because it's hard to see love when you struggle to love yourself. I'm currently in that pit of despair as we speak. I still wanted my friend to have a good time, and I'm glad I was able to pull it together for the rest of the trip by just kind of being...numb about it? Like, I'm incredibly upset, but I had my moment and just filed it away until I got home because I wanted my friend's trip to be about her. Now that it's over, I am glad that my responsibility has been fulfilled, because I need to take care of myself. Being the fattest person in the group, as well as the driver, DESIGNATED driver, organizer and planner, all that...I felt like the odd one out. I couldn't even drink with my friends the way I wanted because I was the responsible one. I did it for my friend, but...I'm glad it's over so I can breathe again.

Thoughts and stuff

I've been working on my writing lately, and sometimes I feel this overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome take over. It's been my fondest dream to one day become a published author, but sometimes I feel like fatigue and life in general tends to get in the way. And then when I DO get the inspiration to write, I neglect everything else. I wish there was a happier medium.

Also just...having lots of hobbies and figuring out which ones I want to do. I want to read more, but I'm afraid if I start reading while I'm writing, I might accidentally copy whatever it is I'm reading. Or just plain having the fear of "wasting my time" with a book that ends up not being interesting. Painting? I'm afraid I'll start but won't finish. Crochet? No big projects or I will start and get over my head. So I end up freezing, unsure of what to do and stuck in an indescision loop.

ALREADY tired

I. Am. Exhausted. We got to our destination, and for a night we stayed at my aunt's apartment, which was very kind of her. HOWever, mom and I had to share the bed, and it was very cramped and the bed itself was SO stiff and hard, it was hard for me to figure out if the floor or the bed was more comfortable. I tried both. Bed. Floor. Sitting up. Standing. It was all torture. I got maybe two or three hours of sleep. I am so glad we are at a hotel now. I will be in this bed like a warm, toasty cinnamon bun. Sleeping.

Vacation

I'm about to be gone for about a week or so visiting some family, so I may or may not be updating as frequently. I hope this ends up being a fun trip (for once we are visiting for a happy reason, not a sad reason). I am not as close to this side of the family, so it'll be nice to get to know them.

Finding some peace and quiet

I've been really into liminal spaces and dreamcore lately. Ever since I saw the Backrooms movie, I was really impressed with what such a young artist could do with such an abstract concept. For me, dreamcore and liminal spaces are oddly...comforting. You know that quote about how art is meant to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable? It's like that for me, especially for liminal and dreamcore music. I've been having problems sleeping in the last year, and not much has helped, but I started trying doing a few things and they DID start helping. Not only just putting me to sleep, but also just calming me in my waking life too. My mom got me a pair of noise-cancelling wireless headphones (because she "did't want me to be in a cranky mood when we travel next week"), and they're one of my new favorite things. When I put them on, it's like the world disappears. I can't hear annoying stuff like lawn mowers or my annoying ceiling fan creaking. And this is with them turned OFF. Music on them is heavenly, too. I have some sensory issues due to my ADHD, and they've been soothed a lot because of these headphones.

Listening to dreamcore and liminal music has really helped me calm my nervous system down. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. It's like listening to something that's wholly familiar yet otherworldly. Like a dream where you KNOW where you are, but something is a bit different. I've gotten a few stellar naps out of it, I'll tell you that much.

I've also been doing this thing where I shower with the lights off. Not completely in the dark, but with a battery powered led light I stuck onto my shower wall. It can change colors, and I usually keep it at this aquarium-blue sort of color. Sometimes I like to pretend that's where I am. It's just soothing to me. I might also throw on some fruitger aero/aqua music, just for funsies. It makes me feel like I'm back at my grandparent's house in the mid 2000's, when they would let me use their huge glass shower. They let me stay in there for nigh near almost an HOUR, where I would sit in there on my grandfather's shower chair and just let the water rush over me and melt me away, and I would draw pictures on the fogged-up glass. I don't know why, but that memory has always stuck with me. Everything in their house just felt like home. God, I miss the smell of strawberry-scented Suave.

One of my favorite dreamcore artists is called Øneheart. I love how melancholy and peaceful his work is, and it helps me sleep so well. If you haven't heard him before, I highly suggest you go check him out. Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble. I really should be talking about my witchcraft more, but lately I just haven't been practicing. I love my practice, life just gets in the way sometimes. Ah, well. Hopefully I'll get around to it soon.

Not sure what to do with myself.

The more and more I live my life I realize that I'm more neurodivergent than I thought. I've had quite a few friends, and even family members indicate that I might be on the spectrum,and honestly...they're probably right. I don't know how to feel. I feel like if I actually identify that way, I'll be faking something or being disingenuous. But as of late, I have found that things have been getting harder for me. Not sure if it's my ADHD, depression, anxiety, or something else entirely, but I'm feeling some type of way.

I feel so incredibly lonely, and part of the isolation is self-imposed. It's hard for me to want to go out and do things when I'm experiencing this amount of burnout, and when I keep on fumbling interactions over and over again, sometimes just being by myself makes me feel safer. I don't feel rejected. I can't offend or upset anyone if I'm never there to say anything.

Recently I got in trouble at my job because of my attitude. I can admit when I'm at fault. It's difficult when you are faced with a part of yourself that you don't like looking at, though. I just....kind of wished it was brought up sooner, so I could have fixed it sooner. Sometimes, admitedly, I CAN be a bitch. On purpose. I'm sarcastic sometimes and can be super defensive. But other times, my tone and my volume are just....me. I can have a dry sense of humor. I try to be funny to lighten things up, but it ends up coming across as disrespect. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between the two. I know this is nobody's problem except my own, but....yeah. Being confronted with you own shortfalls can be devastating. Especially for me. Because for me, it's not simply just shrugging it off, resolving to do better, and moving on. My brain doesn't work like that. Instead, I start replaying all the moments I can remember and then anything after, and my body already starts tensing up for the worst possible outcome. I start beating myself up and my self esteem becomes so low, I can hardly bring myself to get up out of bed. I wish I could just take criticism normally. I just don't get how easy it is for some people. For me, it just feels like every every little bad trait, every single quirk that I've ever accumulated is being weighed against me until it is equal to the sum of my parts. And as much as I know internally that all of that is NOT me, reason and emotion never coincide inside me, like, almost ever. And the one that is telling me that I am useless and a failure and unpleasant is usually the loudest.

This far extends getting reprimanded at work. I've been feeling this way for a while. It just happened to be a microcosm of everything I've been feeling about myself. 28, back with my parents, single, no career, living paycheck to paycheck, feeling like I'm regressing every day. I still have my friends, but very few of them truly understand the neurodivergent experience. And the ones that do, well, they live far away. I love my neurotypical friends, but sometimes I feel like even though they very much care, they just don't...get it. The obsessive thoughts, the shame spiralling, the repetition. I don't know what to say sometimes.

Sometimes I just wish a fairy prince would take me away from here. Someone kind and gentle and understanding, that wouldn't mind taking care of me when the world is just too big and scary. Someone who could be the strength for my weak spots and just say, "Don't worry, I've got you. Let me handle this for a while." Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm just so tired of carrying everything and I want so desperately to put it down.

So fucking upset :(((

I was driving on my way back from doing some shopping and I saw a box turtle scooting its way across the road, and some car came from the opposite direction and just crushed it. :( I am so sad. I don't even think I have an emoji I can use that appropriately expresses how upset and sad I am. One minute the little creature was alive, and the next, it wasn't. It didn't even have a chance. It was just trying to get home!! It's such a little thing and it's such a big world!! Fuck!! I am crying. :(((((((((((

Here's a REAL recipe for a hamburger skillet because FUCK AI recipes.

So, more than half of my life is figuring out how to not make the same 4 chicken or ground beef meals all the time. Pinterest is a fucking HELLSCAPE right now due to all the fake-ass AI recipes, and one NEARLY got me. It was some ground beef skillet recipe (which I will not show because I do not want to give this bot any credit for something fake), so....I just made up my own. This is not really a health-forward recipe, but you can always adjust the ingredients to suit your needs. I don't really measure much when I'm making something up, but if you are really precise, I'll try to be as best as I can with estimating. I just ate this not even an hour ago and it is SO yummy and comforting, it's like a hug in a bowl. So anyway, here's my AI-free hamburger skillet.

Ingredients:

~1 lb hamburger meat (we had patties so I just crumbled up 2)

1 large potato, diced (I used yellow, but use whatever you have on hand, I'm not the boss of you)

1/4 of a yellow onion, diced (or more if you're Shrek)

~1 tsp garlic powder

~1 tsp onion powder

~1/2 tsp paprika

chili flakes, to taste

1/2 tsp parsley

salt & pepper, to taste

~1/4 cup beef broth (or water if you don't have it)

~2 tbsp flour (or cornstarch, for thickening)

shredded cheese, to taste

Directions:

First, heat a medium-sized skillet (or pan) over medium heat. Then, crumble your meat into the pan and let it cook until it is brown and there is no pink left. Do not drain the grease, this is FLAVORTOWN (or heart disease town. If so for you, then drain it. I like to live dangerously.)

Next, take your diced potato and add in with the meat, stirring it around so that most of the potato pieces are evenly spread out. Let them cook without disturbing for ~3-4 minutes, or until a bit soft and browned.

Add in your chopped onion, and stir it in. Let everything cook for a few minutes more, or until the onions become soft.

Now is the time to start seasoning. So, season generously with salt and pepper (unless you have hypertension, then please don't), and then add all the seasonings and give everything a good stirring.

Add in the beef broth and stir, then let simmer for a minute. Then, add in the 2 tbsp flour and stir again. It should start to thicken up quite quickly.

Now it's time to get cheesy with it. Sprinkle a handful (or two) of a shredded cheese of your choice (I prefer cheddar) into the mixture, then give it another good stir. And finally, sprinkle some more cheese generously on top and let it melt. Sprinkle with parsley for garnish, and enjoy.

I'm so tired y'all....

I am so sick and fucking tired of this goddamn administration. Students are now being held financially hostage for loans for school that everyone SAID they'd need and then promptly turn around and mock them for being educated, immigrants and native citizens alike being arrested, harassed, and even gunned down in the middle of broad ass-fucking daylight just for the crime of "looking" like and "illegal", people being OPENLY racist, bigoted, and ignorant and PROUD of it. I love my country, but it is increasingly more difficult for me to be proud of it. Ever since he got elected, he has given people free reign to say whatever vile, racist, disgusting shit is inside their heads that previously they wouldn't have said for being afraid of being shunned for being a right proper asshole. But now? It's totally acceptable.

I live in the southeast, in probably one of the most racist, backwards, regressive-thinking states. Probably one of the ones you'd instantly think of when the Civil Rights Movement is mentioned. It's a huge ultra-conservative circle jerk, and it gets more depressing every day. I think my state also has some of the most beautiful natural life and some of the kindest, most caring people, too. All those things can be true at once. And yet, even when I try to look up, all I seem to see are data centers, big-ass christian billboards threatening you with eternal damnation or enticing you with belonging and friendship like a creep in a white van tempting kids with candy, and fake pregnancy crisis centers. I fucking hate this reality.

Sometimes I wish I could move, go to some safer state with better healthcare and more morally upstanding people whose brains aren't rotted by religion, greed, and prejudice. But sadly, I can't. Last year's breakup practically ruined me financially, and it's all I can do to just sit down and shut up and stay put with my family until I can scrape up enough to live on my own. I wish I wasn't scared to date again, but I am. The men in this state terrify me. If they're not openly bigoted, they hide it until it's too late. Sometimes I don't know what to do from here.

Duffies

Thrifting is so fun. Yesterday I went with a friend to go to different thrift stores and flea markets to search for furniture because she's moving into her first house soon. And while we were doing that, I found these:

Shut up. Are you KIDDING? DUFFIES??? In MY thrift store?? I snatched them both up for like, $7 total. They're in SUCH good shape. I love them so much. I can't wait to crochet little clothes for them.

Pleasant things from today

Today I went out on a walk because I REALLY needed to. I was feeling super restless from being cooped up in the house while my car was being fixed, so it was nice to be out, even in spite of the sweltering southeastern heat. There is this lovely greenway area in the park, where the trees bow and create this sort of natural tunnel that shades you from the sun and makes one's walk a great deal more pleasant. As I have noted before, I've been keeping a grimoire, which I have been including all the local flowers I've seen (and I think I might start adding animals, too). I think that getting to know the land around you is extremely important for my growth as a witch, so I can be closer to the very things that sustain us all in this region. This first thing I found was a spurred butterfly pea, or, Centrosema virginianum. It is a legume, and nourishes many insects and animals, though it is not to be confused with the other butterfly pea, Clitoria ternatea, which is what the pretty blue tea is made from. Here is a photo I took of the spurred butterfly pea:

The next plant I saw was Rudbeckia triloba, or brown-eyed Susans. They're part of the Asteraceae family, and are native to where I live. These pretty little guys are found pretty much everywhere, especially on roadsides, and make my walks and drives all the more pleasant.

I think the most exciting thing I saw today was a pipevine swallowtail (Battus philenor). It was so lovely, I felt so lucky to have seen it! I love moths and butterflies in general. Their beauty is so fleeting, but they bless everyone around them by it, just by being part of the world. I also saw some sort of tiger swallowtail, but was unable to get a picture of it. I just remember it was HUGE and was predominantly yellow with black markings.

Last but not least, totally aside from all the lovely things I found today on my walk, I wanted to share some crochet work that I started and completed last night, which was this bandana. I love to wear bandanas, 1) because they are a practical way to keep my hair out of my face, 2) because they are cute, and 3) because they bring me closer to my practice by being a form of spiritual veiling. As a Hellenic pagan, veiling helps me draw closer to the gods and express my devotion to them, and as a witch, helps protect me from unwanted energy. I almost always veil before doing a spell or a ritual, and I think this bandana was a success! It's bright and fun, and as someone who balances the line between ritual and not taking oneself too seriously, I think it's a good match. Did you know that crochet itself can be a form of witchcraft? At least, in my own way, I believe it can be. Choosing color and stitches based on intention, and focusing your intention as you work, I think that's one of the most powerful spells a witch can do! Wearable magic! How cool is that?! I hope you like this piece as much as I do.

Anyway, I hope everyone's Friday is wonderful! I know I've had some rough days lately, but days like these truly do help me remember that there is good and there is magic in the world.

Back Hurty

I think I pulled something in my back today while doing inventory. Now whenever I move it pinches and hurts pretttty badly. On top of that, my tummy is recovering from whatever dumbass shit fucking virus I likely caught from a coworker. Basically stomach cramping and diarrhea (ew, I know). Or worse still, I hope it's not that cyclospora shit. If there hadn't been so much FDA cutbacks we probably wouldn't be in this mess. Fuck. I hate this reality. Everyone in charge is fucking stupid as hell and I hate it here.

.....On a positive note, I've been obsessed with making super specific playlists. I finally got my Innioasis Y1 up and running, hopefully (knock on wood) it will stay working because it was janky right out of the box. I'm not gonna type it too loudly, though, because it might hear me.

Stupid-ass Tuesdays

My idiot ass struggled for, like, an HOUR trying to figure out how to add a theme onto my new Innioasis with Rockbox installed. Turns out the theme I wanted was for Innioasis itself, not Rockbox. 🤦 But now, my theme is super cute, at least. I deserve it after having a sucky day like today. In other words, trying to move money over from one account to the other, only to find that my bank's systems are down so I CAN'T move money, and it was kind of super important because I was trying to get my car looked at and turns out I need a new CV axle. Why always these cursed fucking Tuesdays???

Results

The brew worked beautifully! I went to the thrift store and I lucked out! I found 4 shirts (2 being vintage!), 3 skirts, and a pair of Baretrap shoes! I also saw and reconnected with an old friend, which was really nice. Overall, I had a pretty great, positive day.

Today's gonna be a productive day, I just know it...

For the past few weeks it seems like I've been having bad days on Tuesdays, so today I'm going to combat that with a little brew I made myself to draw in productivity, success, and happiness. I pretty much just made a loose leaf tea with catnip (to attract what I want), Hibiscus (sweetness), peppermint (success, also added tummy benefits), and a little bit of rosemary (also success). Of course, also some honey for added sweetness. I'd drinking it right now, and it's honestly pretty tasty! I'll come back with the results later.

Does anybody else feel like this??

I have been beginning to notice more and more that almost everything I say or do is misinterpreted or misunderstood. As someone with ADHD and very likely (but undiagnosed) autism, I feel like I have spent a good majority of my time over-explaining my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and yet still be willfully misinterpreted. I have been told I have a "strong personality", and I have also been told that I can be quiet and standoffish. Either way, someone gets offended. Sometimes, I feel like I have spent so much time trying to perform for others that I don't know which parts of me are real and which ones are made-up. Whatever I do, I can never seem to make anyone happy. There's danger in being too bubbly and fun, I might say something stupid by accident by being too loose-lipped and uninhibited. There's danger in silence, because people will interpret me as being cold or uncaring, even if I'm just being thoughtful and contemplative, or even just plain listening. How then, shall I live? Perhaps an inanimate stasis, encased in some sort of jell-o or cryogenic chamber, unmoving, unthinking, inoffensive to all? Fucked if I do, fucked if I don't, as far as I'm concerned.

Even if I DO explain myself, what's the point? Oftentimes it feels like my words don't mean anything. I can over-explain, be as illustrative and eloquent as the day is long, but at the end of the day, none of it matters if I'm already pre-assigned a motive that I never had in the first place. I'm not a person, I'm just a doll that plays whatever part someone already has in their head of how I'm supposed to be, or how they imagine me to be.

It's no wonder why I end up isolating. It is exhausting, and borderline traumatic, that I feel like I am constantly in survival mode, trying to be heard and understood. Sometimes it is easier to just stay to myself and do my own thing than have to constantly be on alert 24/7. I won't do it. It's not fair. This is not to say that I don't have friends AT ALL that don't get me, but my circle is not that large. Sometimes being alone just feels....safer. I don't have to explain myself to...myself. That, and I don't have to face difficult social situations where I very much could be blamed for my own misinterpretation of interactions or situations. It's such a pathetic way to live.

But see, that's where the yearning comes in. I earnestly wish I had a refuge, someone that knows me and accepts me fully for all my quirks and weirdness. I miss the feeling of the time I used to wake up to that (at least, in the moments I did feel that way). Yesterday, when my mom and I went to a festival, I found an extraordinary thing growing at the edge of a gravel parking lot: a passion flower. Now, these are inherent to where I live, but I had never seen one in person before. But all the same, I knew immediately what it was. It was unmistakable in its alien beauty. I felt like I had been given a gift, just to be able to look at it, because I knew what it was. In that same way, I sincerely wish that one day I could be a passion flower to someone who looks. Not just part of the landscape or something strictly ornamental for a gardener to look at, but a fine and unexpected discovery to someone that knows and appreciates my innate qualities. The same strange and out-of-place flower also bears the maypop fruit, but of course, one only knows if they're familiar.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons I'm so fond of wildflowers. Recently, I've been keeping sketches and descriptions of local flowers in my grimoire, and it' brought me great joy. Wildflowers are often ignored or seen as weeds, but despite their reputation, they keep growing anyway. Their beauty is untameable, unrestrained, wild. They are like friends to me, in a way. Kindred souls. My only hope is that maybe one day, someone might extend the same sort of grace, the same kind of unprejudiced interest to me. Either way, maybe there will be a time when I can finally bloom regardless. I hope that day comes soon.

Playing a new game today

One of my friends told me about this rare PS2 game called "Rule of Rose", and I decided to boot it up on the old emulator (I tried to use my Retroarch PS2 core but it wasn't cooperating, so I had to try another seperate one). I love it so far! It's so creepy and disturbing! And one thing about me, I love female-centered psychological horror. Anything like Alice Madness Returns, Fran Bow, What Remains of Edith Finch, I'll eat it up. I'm so curious to find out what this little girls' cult is about.

Ramblings From Today

Dreams can be really weird sometimes. Yeah, I know, such a novel statement. But sometimes I really hate the recurring dreams I have. This one dream I keep having is that for some reason, I'll find out that I accidentally missed a credit in school somewhere, so my degree and diploma are taken from me and I'm not only forced to repeat an entire grade level, but sometimes MULTIPLE GRADES. So far this has happened in my dreams once or twice for high school (somehow always late, forgetting my agenda, and where my locker is), and once for elementary school, where I had to sit in these tiny little chairs, a la Buddy the Elf style (even more embarassing). But this dream from last night? Middle school. I could have cried. Anything, ANYTHING but that. Sometimes I wonder why I have these dreams. I'm not stressed out, really. In fact, I'm the most content I've been in a while. At least, on the whole.

See, last year I went through a really bad breakup. Not necessarily because my ex and I have horrible animosity towards each other, but because the fallout from his actions was so enormous. Long story short, I was stalked and harassed by his then-new girlfriend. I could not drive home without thinking about changing my route. I had to keep my head on a swivel outside the parking lot of my workplace because she knew where I worked. I felt sick every time I got a text or call notification. She even harassed my family and friends. It took me months to move my things out of the house, and she made everything as difficult as she could, even so far as to do damage to the house my ex and I once lived in. After that, I had to move back with family. Since then, I've acclimated to life back in my hometown, but I do feel....different. I'm not as anxious anymore (well, not about her, but that's another story for later), but I lost a great deal of my savings during that awful time, and my body has reacted to that situation in such a way that I've started to have chronic pain. But stressed? I don't know if that's the word. I think I'm....mourning. I had to start all over again, and sometimes I feel that I am way behind everyone else in my life, and it hurts. Badly. I'm comfortable where I am, though. I have family that loves me and welcomes me in and gives me a place to stay, and I'm so thankful I have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head, when so many others in my situation might have ended up homeless. But still...I mourn.

I wonder if these dreams have to do with this feeling of being behind. It makes complete sense. I was up and dragged from a position in my life where I was independent and chucked backwards. I quit a career that I knew was going to burn me out and kill my spirit in favor of a job that was lower-paying, but more rewarding and way less demanding. I know what I want to do from here, but sometimes it seems like that future is so far away. I see friend after friend getting engaged, and I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn to find my person. I'm so happy for each and every one of them, but it still aches every time. It's so hard for me to trust, to even attempt to put myself out there again. In essence, I'm wondering...when will it be my time? By day I'm happy. I keep myself busy with going on walks, cooking at home, painting, reading books, but at night, that's when it all comes back. I've cried over it more times than I care to admit. I'll just have to believe something better is coming. I've survived all my worst days so far.

Blueberry Muffins

So I decided this morning I was going to make some muffins with the blueberries I picked yesterday. Since blueberries correspond with peace, I thought it would be nice to put some tranquil and happy intentions into the muffins. Here is the recipe

I added some minor adjustments just to my taste, so I'll also go ahead and tell you all what I did personally, right here. For the ingredients you will need:

• 1 1/2 Cups flour
• 3/4 cups white sugar
• 2 tsps baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1 large egg
• 1/3 cup of milk (or more as needed)
• 1 cup fresh blueberries (You will want to rinse them in a collander and pick off those little twiggy things)
• ~1/2 tsp cinnamon (this is the adjustment I made that deviated from the recipe. Cinnamon brings happiness, as well as a warmer flavor!)

I also coated the blueberries in ~1 tbsp of flour to ensure they did not sink to the bottom of the muffins.

For the crumb topping:

• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/3 cup flour
• 1/4 cup butter (I made sure it was cold) cubed up into small pieces
• 1 1/2 tsps cinnamon
The 1/4 cups white and brown sugar were my tweaks as well, because I personally like brown sugar.
Directions:
• Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F (or 200 degrees C), then line a muffin tin with 8 paper liners.
• Now, whisk your dry ingredients (flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, and salt) in a large bowl. I personally just used a wooden spoon, but a whisk is perfectly fine. These are your muffins.
• Next, pour the oil into a liquid measuring cup, then add the egg and milk until it reaches the 1-cup mark, then stir until combined.
• Pour the liquid mixture into the dry mixture and stir until just combined.
• Now, fold in the blueberries and set the batter aside.
• For the crumbly topping, mix the sugars, flour, butter, and cinnamon in a small bowl until crumbly.
• Next, spoon the batter into the muffin cups, all the way to the top. Then, sprinkle generously with the crumbly topping.
• Finally, bake for 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Mine only took 20 minutes, so I would start at the lowest time.

I hope you try this recipe out! They are absolutely divine! I texted my dad pictures of them, and he told me he wanted me to make him a batch! So....back to the oven I go, I guess!

Very tired...

I went out with some of my friends today to go blueberry picking, which was pretty fun, albeit quite hot. Now I have to figure out all that I can make with these blueberrries! Then, we went to go see a local production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, which was really entertaining! They did a little spin on it, making the setting very disco and 70's, which was cool. However, I am now very sweaty and exhausted.

First post EVER!

So I guess this is my first blog post, huh? I'm not really sure what to write, so I guess I'll just talk about my day. I kind of did some running around today. Went to a staff barbecue, but I was told the time everyone else would be there, and I came RIGHT ON TIME but was late ANYWAY and there was only ONE hotdog left....which I took. Almost all the food was gone, and I should have gotten there earlier.

I'm also having issues with the stupid seals on my car windows. They keep on getting nasty and melty and streak my windows. I need to have them replaced. Thankfully, they are replaceable and not very expensive. However, I have not been through a drive-through in three years due to this and because of my ignorance on the whole ordeal, but I will soon be vindicated. Sonic awaits, and the milkshake reckoning will be upon them.